Because I do not want this wound to heal…(Part III)
Again small yet so big in a nutshell
Now is the time to end the anecdote. Hopefully, this is the last part ;)
Meanwhile, I had an opportunity that can not be mentioned here, but I was determined to make it. I still applied to the companies but was serious about only a few. I would attempt the tests but purposely messed up some of them. The tiring and daunting loop of going to college, taking tests, sitting for interviews, and getting hurled by painful questions had become the mundane routine. The frequency of crying day-night had reduced to once within a few days. My parents could not bear me seeing like this. They made their efforts.
One of my father’s friend’s sons is the senior director of a social commerce platform. I asked for a referral from him, to which he replied, “Hi, Kesar! I would be more than happy to refer you, but then you will have to join us in a month, which I think you can’t.” I agreed and told him that I am not yet graduated. Then he said, “And as far as I know, your campus placements are still on; why do you need a referral?” He continued, “Or maybe I should talk about why Microsoft rejected you?” I smiled faintly as he was right. I was making futile attempts and seeking validation that I did nothing wrong. I said, “yes.”
“See, first of all; it is just the beginning of your career. And in fact, you interning at Microsoft or anyone else interning at Microsoft means nothing. You are a fresher, and you do not know anything. We hire you only because of one capability, and that is ‘the ability to learn’.”
(Listening to these words consoled me, but I felt a little demeaned as I was proud of myself for interning there, and this idea was shattered by his words.)
“You have a long, long career ahead. I saw your resume, and it is good. You have the potential. Sit for campus placements, make it to a company and start your life. Stop pondering over one rejection and learn to accept it. This is life.”
After this conversation, I applied to companies but could not give my best to the opportunities I did not like. Due to all the drama, I fell sick. I never got a fever beyond 102 degrees Fahrenheit, but this time it was 104, and I had another placement test. I had to take the test from home, and my laptop's camera ditched me sometimes, so I had to borrow a laptop from my friend. The only reason to mention this here is to shout out to my friend H, who came to my home, gave me their laptop, and came the next day to take it back. They told me they believed in me and that I would surely make it to some good company.
One morning, I was practicing when I got deeply demotivated and broke down horribly. I still remember how I felt; I did not have control over my body and was crying loudly. I was screaming to my mom that I want a job, I want it right now, “Mumma, kuchh karo na…ek job chahie…kya karu mai, mujhse nahi ho raha, mera nhi mann karta college jaane ka, mujhe nahi dena aur test, mujhse nahi ho raha…” (Even when I write this, I have tears in my eyes.) After losing all my energy in screaming and wailing for so long, I went to sleep when my mom woke me up as she read a mail on my phone that the placement office had opened one company's registration again. When the portal was opened for the same company, I mocked it, saying, “Is company ka to naam hi itna kharab hai.” But the email came, and I told my mom to apply wherever and whichever company she sees.
The next day was its pre-placement talk, test, and interviews. All were scheduled for the same day. I sat in the talk as it was mandatory, paying little attention to their presentation. I was never interested in the company and did not care if I got rejected or selected. After the talk, we went to the examination hall and attempted the test. We were waiting for the result when I asked the coordinator to release the list as soon as possible so I could head home, as I was not going to be selected. However, the list contained my name. I still remember I felt no emotion. I felt tired of thinking I would have to sit for another interview. Everyone around me was revising their notes, and I, on the other hand, was scrolling Insta. I went for the first interview.
Along with solving the question, I argued with the interviewer over one topic. I accept that it was dumb of me to act that way, but I do not know I had worn this ‘I don’t give a damn.’ I came out and told my mom about the argument, and she was upset over my behavior. She asked me to come back as she thought I had screwed up another interview by being rude. I kept asking the coordinator if I should go home, to which they asked why I was so negative.
Meanwhile, I made a friend who badly wanted this job, but they were apprehensive about their performance. I, too, prayed that they get called for the HR interview. While waiting for the final list to come and hear their name on the list, I again argued, this time with one student coordinator, about how messed up the placement system is. I would not go into the details, but they told me that that day I would return home with the job offer so that they get rid of my tantrums. To everyone’s surprise, I was directly called for the HR interview, but my friend was rejected. I again felt bad for them as they could not get selected. Now, my expectations had started coming up. I was going for the final interview, and I felt mixed emotions. I started asking other candidates what they were asked, what they answered, etc., and prepared myself accordingly.
I went to the interview room. The interviewers introduced themselves and asked me to introduce myself too. The interview went as any HR interview would go, with common questions like ‘Why should we hire you?’, ‘What are your strengths and weaknesses?’, ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’, etc. Lastly, they asked me about my internship. They said, “It is amazing that you interned at Microsoft. You must have the PPO.”
“Had I received the PPO, I would not have sat for your company.” (Another rude statement by me. Now, when I think of this, I feel ashamed of saying all this.)
“Oh, you may receive it in some days…no?”
“No, I would not receive it.”
“Why? Why so?”
“Because I am already rejected, ma’am.”
“Do you know the reason?”
“I wish I did.”
“Oh, okay! Thanks, Kesar! It was nice talking to you.”
I sulked but got up and proceeded towards the door when I turned and gathered my courage to ask, “Why did you ask about my rejection? Does this rejection define me that I am not good enough?”
“Hey, no, no. It is not that. We just wanted to clarify that if you had the offer, we would like to give other students the opportunity, as we do not know how the placement system works here. We believe failure is a part of success. People who are not failing are not trying anything new.”
I finally left the room after saying, “Thanks for the clarification!”
On my way home, my mind was again filled with apprehension about whether I would be selected or rejected. My discourteous behaviour kept flashing before my eyes, and I dreaded rejection again. I narrated the incident to my parents, who were also upset that I might not make it to this one. However, I slept as the day was quite exhausting. I deliberately kept sleeping in my bed and did not switch on my phone. I believed I would receive another ‘Congratulations’ email with the list devoid of my name. However, it was too late, and I had to get out of bed. I switched on my phone and received a text from the placement manager. The list of the selected students. THE. LIST. HAD. MY. NAME. I kept staring at the list for some seconds. I wanted to feel something and be happy, relaxed, and calm, but I was blank. My mom caught me staring at the screen when I broke the news to her. She also smiled faintly. My mom called my father and told him. He congratulated me, and I told him that I was not happy. To this, my father said,
“Beta, ye wo company hai jisne tumhe chuna hai, isne tumhe tab naukri di jab sabne muh mod lia, iski humesha izzat karna. Ye wo company hai jisne tumhari berozgaari mitai hai. To islie iski izzat sabse badhkar honi chahie tumhari aankhon me. Aur aaj party karo, celebrate karo…”
His words made sense. I greatly respect the company and the people there, especially the interviewers. But that does not change the fact that I did not like it. The formal email from the placement office to all the students was finally there.
I started getting calls and texts from my friends. Every ‘congratulations’ message hurt me more. I could not feel a sense of joy. One of my closest friends, V, called me up, and I broke down on the call. I said, “I am not happy…I want to be, but something in me is resisting me.” They said, “It is fine. The last month was too much to handle. But you will come out of it. Calm down. Relax. And do celebrate.”
I did not celebrate. I did not even tell my family about my offer. I continued working on the opportunity I mentioned at the start of the blog. The college reopened with me in the seventh semester. I dreaded going to college. I did not want to face anyone. But I had to go. I kept revising the whole rejection to my friends. They always listened. I am grateful to them for listening to my rants, taking me out, and deviating my attention. Sometimes, I would have tears in my eyes while talking to them, but they were supportive. A massive shoutout to each one of them. Here is a picture from one of our outings.
After some days, I got rejected from the opportunity too, but on the same day, I received an email that I was selected for the ‘Dean’s list of Academic Awards,’ something I had aspired for from the first year. I was elated and dejected at the same time. It was then I resolved to celebrate my job offer. Here is the picture from the ceremony.
I got placed, and I am happy. I am living my life. I don’t say no to any fun plans. But I am not satisfied with what I have and think it is fine to keep me going. There must be a little resentment, as this is what will drive me towards achieving more.
If you are still reading it, thanks for following up here. See you soon in the next blog! One of the major events of my life ends here :)
