Because I do not want this wound to heal…(Part II)

Again small yet so big in a nutshell

I could not sleep the entire night. My brain kept flashing the “No hire” email, and I do not know if it is the right word, but I WAS haunted. I woke up at 6 in the morning and started shouting to call my mom. She rushed towards me. I hugged her and started crying. I went back to sleep and woke up at 9 when I had to attempt a placement test. I kept hoping again during the test that the “No hire” email must be a mistake. The ‘congratulations’ email must be on its way. Suddenly, a notification popped on my laptop screen. Soon after the test, I opened the email to read this.

I went back to mom and told her I received an email from Microsoft too. I felt empty. My eyes have swelled. I decided to go to an astrologer. I asked my mom to take me to one, and she agreed. No one at my home believed in astrology but my father. He made me wear different gemstones, which I wore as they looked nice on my hands. This was the first time I wanted to go to an astrologer because I had lost all hope. We went to the astrologer, and they told me I would surely get a job in two to three weeks. I am unsure if that is a concrete prediction, but I was consoled and temporarily felt better.

One of my friends called me up as I had uninstalled WhatsApp to ask me to wait for the result. Little did they know I already had the result. I talked to them and asked them to refrain from sharing this news with anybody. I felt cut down from the outside world and did not want to open up to anyone. I felt ashamed too. I do not know why but I felt unworthy.

The test result came in the evening, and I was shortlisted for the interview. I felt a ray of hope. The interview was the next day; however, none of my parents wanted me to be in the company. We wanted to wait for companies that we thought I deserved.

The next day, I woke up and started getting ready for the interview when I realised I did not have the uniform: black pants and black shoes. Why would I have them? I was to get the PPO. I borrowed them from my father when one of my friends rang my phone. I wanted to pick up the call, talk to them and share my sorrow, but something stopped me. I could not receive the call. I felt the urge to bury myself and never appear in front of anyone again. As I was getting ready, I broke down again, thinking about how this was happening to me. I had never expected this, even in the saddest of my dreams. However, somehow, in uniform, I went to my college. I dreaded seeing anyone known. But I could not avoid it. While on my way to the venue, I encountered a classmate I did not know. They asked me in the lift, “Aapka to Microsoft me internship tha na?” I felt my chest riddled with bullet holes. Taking a deep breath, I answered, “Yeah, but I got rejected.” They ended the conversation with a little ‘Oh!’

I went to the waiting hall, where I encountered the student coordinator. They told me the companies I wanted to apply to would come in a few days. I talked to my parents if I should perform well in the interviews. They told me to do whatever I felt like. But I badly juggled these thoughts. “What if the companies do not come?” “I want a job as soon as possible.” “But if new companies come, I can make it to them, and I cannot settle for less.” “I do not want offline interviews. I will have to face them.”

I cleared my first interview with these thoughts racing in my mind and was called for my second interview. I do not know how I performed. I did not know what I wanted then. I went for lunch as I waited for the result. I came back and encountered one of my friends who motivated me and encouraged me to think and decide whatever I felt was good for me. But what is this good? I was severely confused. The coordinator came to me and told me that the company rejected me. I was jumping with joy. Damn! How could I be happy with this company rejecting me? I raced back home and narrated the entire tale to my parents. We decided that now I would sit in those companies I want to be in.

Let’s call those companies A collectively. One of A came, and I was so excited. I did the bare minimum preparation and got my hands on the test platform. I attempted the MCQ section and was in the top 5 on the leaderboard. I completed the first coding question and was about to attempt the second one. There was a button on the test screen that I thought would allow importing code from my editor. As soon as I clicked on the button, my test got terminated. I kept trying, but I could not reaccess the test. I called the coordinators, but they could not help. I gave up and broke down again. I had missed another A company. Crying had become a daily routine. I would cry every day and night. Shedding tears was the only escape. After the test, I got a call from my friend again. This time I picked up the phone. The conversation went like this.

“Hello! Kaisi hai?”
(Me holding back tears) “Theek hu.”
“Phone na uthati hai na call back karti hai.”
“Kya karu call back karke.”

And just one minute of conversation more. When I reflected, I realised I was so rude talking to them. But I could not help it. I thought about what I had become.

In the meanwhile, my father kept consulting astrologers. My mother decided to do a pooja to get rid of a dosha. I had started believing in these so much that I thought after the pooja, everything will get fine. However, I was barred from sitting in two of the A companies just after the pooja. I made some mistakes. I am unsure if I should justify it here. It was a misunderstanding, things just happened, and the situation deteriorated. I breathed heavily as I broke this news to my parents. I begged to let me sit in the company, my mom begged, and we felt helpless. I kept crying the entire evening. And in the night, I felt DEAD from inside. My eyes had dried up. I could not find a way out. I felt trapped in a cage. I wanted to free myself up. I wanted to be the old me. The one who was always cheerful.

I missed myself.

The following day, I finally decided to join a company. I did not care about what I deserved or liked, but only about my unemployment. I had to now go to the campus to attempt the placement tests. One of my friends, too, did not get the PPO. While I was getting ready for college, I received an email that they got selected for the company I was not allowed to sit for. I felt happy for them but was even more scared, dreaded, and apprehensive than before. I went to college for the test, attempted two tests that day, and broke down when one of my acquaintances saw me crying. I had never cried in front of anyone, but I could not hold back my tears this time. Let’s call them R (their name starts with R). I told them that I felt unworthy, incompetent, and weak. They held me back and told me that I was still the same and worthy. One rejection did not take away my identity. I was finally consoled when they told me about their struggle. This was the first time I did not feel alone. I could relate and felt much better. I will be thankful to R forever for telling me this. I came home a little satiated, waiting for the result of the tests when I received a call from R’s friend. Initially, I did not take the call. However, I was so scared of my blunders that I called them back. Let’s call this person J. They sent me this text.

Yesss! I did feel better. I am thankful to R and J for telling me all this. I had forgotten it and needed someone to remind me of this.

The result of the tests came, and I did not clear anyone of them. I went the next day for another test. Here is the picture that I clicked while returning home.

I cleared this test and wanted to make it. I wanted the job. I asked all the interviewees what they were asked and revised the question. However, my question was drastically different. I was asked two coding questions: one medium and one hard. I solved both of them but could optimise one. I feared rejection again. And here it was: Rejection again! I went back home dejected. In the evening, my friend G called me to know my whereabouts. I told them the entire story, to which they reasoned my rejection from this company. I resonated a little, but I am unsure if that was the reason.

(This part has become lengthier than expected so I will stop here. I need to sleep too. At the end of this blog too, I am unemployed. I will need to go for a third part :p)