Because I do not want this wound to heal…(Part I)
Again small yet so big in a nutshell!
I do not know where to start this blog, but I am writing this to keep the wound alive forever. Time heals everything, but I do not want this wound to heal.
My internship started on May 16th, 2022. One of the most significant achievements of my life. The only thing I have aspired for since grade 8th is my career. My career is everything to me. Call me toxic; I do not care. I keep my career above anybody else, be it my family. My knowledge, education, and career are the only things that will not leave me. Everything else is temporary.
I had given my heart, blood, and sweat to this opportunity as I wanted to make the most out of it. The internship was an eight-week program that ended on July 8th, 2022. Every second of this duration drove me toward the security that I would be offered a full-time role. I had left no stone unturned not to secure a full-time offer. Additionally, there were claims that everyone would be offered a full-time offer.
On July 12th, a list of names was released containing the names of people offered. Somehow, I sensed that the list did not have my name. But still, I opened the mail and did not find my name but one of my friends. I was ecstatic for them and wanted to congratulate them hard. However, this feeling was not wholly positive as I have still not received my name written on the list. Hence, I just texted them “Congratulations” in the hope that on the day my PPO would come, I would congratulate them wholeheartedly. On the same day, one of my batchmates got the rejection email. I was so sure of our success that I did not pay attention and thought it must be a typo, mistake, etc. But later, I realised they were rejected. I. WAS. TAKEN. ABACK. How could this be? But we were still pacified as one exception.
With each passing day, anxiousness would build up, but I was as sure of the PPO as I was convinced that the sun would rise from the east the following day. On July 14th, I received an email that we would be updated about the status on July 20th. But still, I would check my email every hour, hoping for the final offer. It had become tough to spend the entire day. I could not do anything. When I say it, I MEAN it. I would see my friends getting placed. I would get happy for them, but I could not congratulate them because I did not want my sorrow to add to their celebration. I wanted to congratulate them with the utmost positivity and excitement.
The 20th of July was finally here, and I was refreshing my inbox every fifteen minutes. I kept asking for my result, but there was no update. I had given up my patience, but my mother consoled me, and I still resolved to wait. Suddenly, at around 4.30 pm, a ‘congratulations’ message popped up as my Whatsapp notification. Sitting on my bed, with an adrenaline rush, I opened my inbox to find my name, but instead, I received the following.
The ‘congratulations’ message was for the names that have ‘Hire’ in green written against them.
I WAS DEVASTATED. I was breathing heavily, with everything around me blurring. I was shaking and had utterly blanked out. I tried to break this news to my mom, but I could not speak. My whole body had got cold. While my mother tried to understand the situation, my sister told my mom about the REJECTION. I could not believe this. My mind denied accepting this fact, and I was shocked, thinking it must be a mistake from the Placement Office. My mom called the office only to get the above news iterated. And I felt that one of my loved ones had died. I WANTED it back. I threw my arms and legs in agitation as if the emotion did not know how to escape my mind and body. With tear-filled eyes and a weak voice, I rang my mentor to ask if this was a mistake. I asked him what I got wrong and my mistake, where I did not perform well. I begged him to tell me the reason. But it was in vain. He could not answer me and advised me, “Please take care. Do not do anything wrong.”
Everything flashed before me. I worked a lot, my family supported me a lot, and this was the first time my father was talking to me about my career. He was trying to understand the process. I sat in my mom’s lap when my father came at around 7.30 pm the evening. Looking at his face, I could not hold back my tears and asked him, “Ab kya karu?”
He asked me to celebrate and said that I did my best and it was the company’s loss that it could not recognize and lose such a talent. I smiled faintly as I knew it was only to console me. At this point, I wanted to return the stipend and all the goodies that I had received.
However, I could not hold back from it. Things have completely changed. I had become unemployed. And now, I needed to secure a job. I decided to sit in the placements now.
Well, the story does not here. To be continued…
